When I first came to this city, I had many dreams. I believed I can conquer the world, and if not the world, this country, and if not this country, at least this city. I had hopes and believed that everything is possible. Then I was up and down, then my life stagnated, and again up and down. Felt lost and lonely at times, and then enjoyed the company of many friends, and clubs, and drinks.
In the end I realized that there is nothing more left for me in the city, that the lucky star is just not shining upon me anymore. I felt very betrayed by my own childish hopes and foolish dreams. And then the light lit in the end of the tunnel. Each day becoming brighter, each day promising a better life.
I always write because I want to say something with my story. I write because something is not right and I want to find a solution, or I want to point out an issue which is hid in the eyes of the public. But this time, this time I write only to spill my sorrows. I don't want to say anything, and by the time you come to an end of this piece you will realize that it did not give you anything, and it was a complete waste of time. And yet, I still want to continue writing, just to say how much the sword rammed into my heart pains and there is no way of getting it out.
I have a broken heart. And it doesn't want to go away, no matter how much I try. Or maybe I even don't try to do anything about it. I feel too weak. But then, I don't even know what I want. Do I want to leave this city, this country, this life?? The saddest part is that I used to feel like I own the world. There was no one happier than me. I had my inspiration, my Muse, my future unfolding in front of me chunk by chunk creating a marvelous picture painted with water colors. The colors were so bright and so lively that I could smell them. My dreams came closer and even though I still had doubts, I also owned a very tall column which I could lean on. And then one day this column suddenly collapsed without any notice, without a single crack in it. It literally disappeared into the void, right in front of my eyes. There was absolutely nothing I could have done, absolutely no way of saving it. It was just gone. Just like this. I reached out, tried to hold it in my hand and nothing but the dust slowly fell on my fingers. Grey and cold dust, turning into the little icy molecules and ohh... they are gone too. Everything disappeared into the nothingness.
Things which I liked to do, I hate. Things which I hated I don't care about. Habits I had don't seem entertaining anymore, and the sun looks just too happy for my taste. There is a huge rock in my abdomen and an unfinished apple stuck in my throat. Every time I try to swallow it I feel like I am going to suffocate with my own saliva. The world became just black and grey. There is no way out and there is no way back. When, one day- if I would be so fortunate to get the chance- I will look back I will definitely feel the echo of the clanking sword in my cardiac muscle. A rose by any other name.... (and if anyone understands this phrase in the context, I owe you a beer!)
The thing is that no one is going to understand what has happened. I don't. Or at least not completely. Therefore no one can find a solution for me as there is none. There is only the time. The time is the best healer of all (well I'm not so sure in a case of cancer patients... - inappropriate joke, seriously) and maybe a bit of chocolate.
I am not angry, even though sometimes I am. I know everything will feel better over time, yet I don't believe in bullshit. It was no one's fault, life goes on. Or maybe not. At least for a while. Life is taking it's break, it is half time. It's a lunch break. It took holidays. It went far away to the Land of Nothingness to lay on the beach and tan while enjoying its Mai Tai cocktail.
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I always say that the artist needs to have messed up heart in order to create. I don't necessary enjoy to be messed up, however I do see the advantages too. By the time I'm publishing this post, these words have become just words of fiction, just something I created because I can. And because I'm good at it :)
